Just Hold Him

I was on the plane heading to Atlanta and a mother with 3 boys under the age of 6 boarded the plane. I could tell by standing in the security line it was going to be a long flight.  It was evident that the mother did not know how to handle the distress her boys showed and I found my self feeling sad for the one in the middle.

I didn’t feel sorry for the boy becaue he was the middle child.  I felt sad for him because she had forgotten he too was little and needed assurance.  He was starving for s sense of security, assurance, and connection.  I so bad wanted to ask her if I could hold him but I knew it would not be the same.  He needed to be held by the one who he called mom.  Because she did not read him well, he whined and fussed throughout the trip. She stayed annoyed with him and did not see the need he had from her.

Too often the solutions for our child’s behavior is rght in our hands. If we can remember the power of our touch, a close hug, a calming voice, etc., we can impact our kids when they are scared, fearful, and frustrated. 

Don’t forget that most problems in life are not complex.  They take time, patience, teaching, knowledge of our hildren, and above all, faith in the One who created our children.

 

What Counts in the End

Too often we take the early years for granted.  We think we will have time to catch up for the lost times.  We somehow believe things don’t matter and  because they are young, they won’t remember. I wish I could say all of that was true but I can’t.

 When our kids be young adults, we won’t have the power or control we had when they were little.  We will not be able to dictate their behavior, their choices, or their attitude.  In fact, we will have no control at all.

What we will have is the influence and respect we earned along the way.  If we pay our dues and make the appropriate investment, they will care about what we think, want us in their lives, and trust our heart for them.  If we fail to recognize the early years as building blocks for the later ones, we will miss out on the opportunities to speak into their lives when they so desperately need a voice of truth and reason.

Love them well.  Listen to them often.  Pay attention to the things that matter to them.  Believe them when they are scared and create a safe place for them to be vulnerable.  If they know you have heard them when they are little, they will give you a chance to be heard when they are older. 

 

Little Only Once

Why are children in a such a hurry to grow up so quickly?

I want to suggest to you that they are getting that message from home.

Children are being pushed to achieve in ways that are beyond their level of developmental capability.  Ever since David Elkind’s book, The Hurried Child, came out in the 70’s, I have been sensitive to this issue. The book speaks to the fact that we allow, in fact, push, our little boys and girls to act in adult ways.  We think it is cute when they act grown, dress like their teen siblings, and engage in activities that are beyond their years.

I think we rush our children through the early years because as mothers, we are tired by the physical dependency they have on us.  We think once we get them to the next stage, we will slow things down because it is easier.

Wrong!

We don’t stop the momentum of rapid living unless we become intentional in our mothering.

Whoever said taking care of small children is easy has to be smoking something illegal. I don’t think I ate a warm meal for three years after my kids were born.  I was so tired my body hurt.  I had circles under my eyes because I had a little one who had stomach issues and didn’t sleep through the night. 

Being the mom of small children is hard, inconvenient, and overwhelming.  Yet it is a foundational time where trust is being established and security is being formed.  Infants are so much smarter than we realize and we need to appreciate the time as one which we will build on for the rest of their lives.  In the midst of being tired and weary, recognize how important this time is for creating a healthy child.  They will not need to grow up quickly if they sense you enjoy being with them and you are not in a hurry for them to be older.

As a mother of two college kids, I will also tell you that if you enjoy them while they are with you, you will be less likely to have regrets when they leave you.  Somewhere inside you will know you made the most of your time together and they will have unfolded through life appropiately, not abruptly.

 

You Have to Be Kidding!

There is a new CBS Survivor show that is coming out this fall where 40 kids were left alone in a desert camp with no adult supervision for over a month.  The parents were under contract to not contact their children during this time.  The children had to do chores, tolerate bullys without any support or assistance, and deal with the fears that come from being abandoned and isolated.

Now here is the question:  What mother in her right mind would compromise their child’s well being for the sake of an acting career or money?  I am appalled that anyone with an IQ over 80 would let her child be placed in such a vulnerable and potentially damaging situation.

Children are not designed to handle that type of freedom.  That is one of the reasons God created parents. Kids can be emotionally scarred when they are placed in highly vulnerable and isolating situations where they do not feel safe.  Parents, especially mothers, have the duty to make wise and smart choices when opportunities arise.

Let’s think about this a minute.  Would you let 40 kids live in your house without adult supervision for a month without checking on them?  Of course not!  First of all, the state’s child welfare services would be called in and your kids would be taken from you.  Secondly, you know they simply do not have the maturity to handle all the possible crises that life can bring. Third, children need to be nurtured and guided through life daily, not monthly.

Too often parents are impulsive in their responses to doors of opportunity.  Their own unfulilled dreams are often disquised as the child’s which allows the parents to become tunnel visioned in their thinking.  When moms and dads cannot separate their lost dreams from their children’s needs, bad decisions are made and children suffer.

Maybe, just maybe, we need to think it through and ask some important questions: Will my children be safe? Will there be anyone there who can really “get” my child? Why would I let my child be placed in a situation where they cannot communicate with me?  I could go on with about a thousand more questions but you get the point.  Our responsibility is much greater than providing career breaks or making money.  It is the responsibility and privilege of every mom and dad to love their children to the point that they will never compromise their safety, emotional well-being, and trust.

 

“My Mom is Crazy”

“My mom is crazy!” I have often heard women say that about their own mothers, often worrying that they were going to end up just like them.  The good news, I tell daughters, is that if you can recognize her craziness, you stand a better chance of not repeating her pattern.

But before you write your mother off, I want to ask you to take a moment and reflect on who she is, what she has been through, and how she has impacted your life.  While you might be able to give me a hundred reasons as to why you are hurt and entitled to write her off, I want to suggest to you that there is a reason this woman is your mother.

The reason is God.

I don’t know why God does some of the things He does but what I do know is that God always has a reason for doing what He does.  So if I believe that God gave you a mother who makes you crazy or one you don’t understand, then my question to you is “How can this experience make you more God dependent?”  What did God want you to learn about His character and faithfulness from this relationship that you may not have learned from any other relationship?

Rick Warren launched his best-selling book “The Purpose Driven Life” with the sentence, “It’s not about you!”  If we are going to embrace this thought as truth, then we can frame our difficult relationships through the filter of our challenges reflecting God’s plan for our life, not our own.

Your mother may be dysfunctional but she is the most important woman you will ever know.  Whether she is a great mom or a poor one, she is the one God is going to use to drive you to trust Him at a deeper level. 

I am not saying it is easy or painless. 

I am saying that it is not in vain. 

I am also saying that you have the opportunity to use the difficulties of your relationship with your mom to make you an amazing and wonderful woman.

 

The Job is Never Done

I don’t know who sent the memo to mothers of the world that said that when you send them to college, out the door to the military, or watch them begin a life on their own that our job is over.  Are you kidding me? We are just getting started at this point!

Surprised?  Don’t be. I am convinced that some of our most important days are ahead of us when most of the world thinks we are going to get our first break in 18 years.

I will admit that I think this is a challenging time for mothers because most moms haven’t talked about it, understand how to do it, and recognize the vulnerability of the stage their adult kids are in.   I also think we need to have a national discourse on how to adapt to the unfolding changes that are taking place in our adult chidlren’s lives.

The brain is still developing until 24-25 for females and 25-27 for males.  During this time, they will do things that are not logical, that are impulsive, and may defy the way you raised them.  What is important for mothers to remember is to not write them off during this time.  You need to remain steadfast in your love, hopeful in your faith, and consistent in the way you communicate with them.  You don’t need to preach to them because they lived with you for 18 plus years and they know exactly how you think and feel on just about every topic you can imagine.

So grab a glass of tea, sit back in your chair, say a prayer, and hold on.  Part two of the journey is just beginning and it will be exciting, adventuresome, and challenging.  Put your faith in your God, not your kids, and you will not only survive but you will experience a new level of peace you didn’t know existed.

 

Where Have All the Mothers Gone?

I have to tell you that I am really frustrated at the lack of mothering I see among moms who have adult children.  Every day I am see examples of mothers who have simply quit. It is as if they think that because their kids are all grown up that they are on a perpetual vacation.

I recently went through a miscarriage with a friend who was heartbroken over her loss.  When she called her mom, the lecture began that she didn’t need another child anyway. Instead of reaching through the phone with a hug, this young woman felt the sting of her mother’s tongue like a stingray.

I also saw a mother of an adult child harshly talk negatively about her new daughter-in-law to other family members.  How selfish can you get?  I cannot think of a more painful thing for a mother to do to a son than to criticize the woman he has chosen to spend the rest of his life!

I saw another mother talk about leaving her daughter at school with the thought that her job was done and she couldn’t wait to get on with her life.

Are you kidding me?

Her job is just starting…

as a mother of a young adult. 

Our job is not over because we drop them off at college or send them off to war.  It is not over when they marry or have children of their own. In fact, some of our best motherhood days can be ahead of us as long as we understand the siginifcance of our position. 

Mothers need to recognize their tongues will either build walls or bridges.   We have the power to create doubt, questions, and pain. Or we can lend support, have faith, and build confidence in our offspring when they need it most.  They are entitled to make mistakes just like we did when we were their age.

My question is why would we want to be hurtful?  Is that the legacy we want to leave?

Moms need to grow up and be aware that no matter how old are children become, they will always see us through a longing of hope and acceptance.  They will never be too old to hear our words of love, encouragement, and endearment. 

 

ADD or ATFS?

I do believe that attention deficit disorder is a real issue for some children as well as adults. I also believe it is over diagnosed as well as misdiagnosed.  In 25 years of experience as a psychotherapist, I have seen many cases where a child manifested symptoms of ADD but actually had another diagnosis. Let me explain.

 Allergic Tension Fatigue Syndrome (ATFS) is a condition that manifests identical symptoms of ADD but is immune system based instead of neurologically based.  Very few pediatricians know about this disorder but it is very real and very treatable.  The problem is you have to know what you are treating.

Doris Rapp, M.D., wrote a book called “Is This Your Child?” and it talks about how immune system deficiencies can impact behavior, impulse control, concentration, learning, etc.  She also discusses the impact that inhalants as well as food and chemicals can impact a child.  

The reason I bring this up is  everyday I deal with moms who are at their wits end on knowing where to go and how to proceed with the gnawing issues that the professionals in their lives are not answering.  I was one of those moms who was determined to get to the bottom of my son’s health and behavior issues but ran into roadblock after roadblock.  I found myself frustrated, scared, overwhelmed, and alone.  I also knew that if I quit, my son was in deep trouble.

I have multiple examples of children whose behavior, learning ability, and overall health drastically improved when they were treated properly.  Unfortunately, because there are so few doctors who treat this condition, you may have to track down a doctor who is outside the box or who is teachable.  Dr. Rapp’s book will give you options on how to find a doctor or even begin your own investigation of your child’s issues. 

Do not cease your child’s medication if he or she is presently on it without consulting your doctor first.  It is also important to remember there is always a reason why your children act the way they do. It is our job as moms to figure out what it means and to help them get beyond the place where they are stuck.

 

Mrs. Rodriquez – What are you thinking?

I am amazed at how short-sighted we can be.  I recognize that many mothers can find themselves in difficult situations. I have no doubt that Alex Rodriquez’s wife has been recently hurt by her husband’s behavior as well as the intrusive fans of the New York Yankees.  However, as a mom, she needs to remember that wearing offensive language on the back of her shirt says says nothing about her husband and everything about her.

Whether we like it or not, we are always examples for our kids.  What does her fashion statement tell her children on handling problems and pain?  If her children wore something that offensive to school, they would be sent home. 

Let’s remember that what we do in moderation our children will do in excess.  Moms have a responsibility to act and not react.  In the difficult moments of life, we need to remember that we have to keep our focus on our children.  We cannot allow our pain to create bad examples.   

I know this:  I have never wanted to do anything that would embarrass my kids.   I am sure if Mrs. Rodriquez gave it some thought and looked into the future, she might wish she would have made another choice in t-shirt selection.

 

Welcome to the Blog of Intentional Motherhood

We officially launched our Blog on Saturday, June 30, 2007.  We pray that the information found on this site and open forum discussions throughout this blog will be an encouragement and blessing to you as you raise your children with NO REGRET.  Please contact us if you have any questions or would like to attend one of our events.